This was the most emotional weekend I've had in a long time.
And The Boy got to experience it with me.
Lots of crying (and not cute crying...like snot-everywhere-runny-mascara-sobbing).
But there was also praying and growing.
So while things were not fun, Michael reminded me that they were good.
We learned a lot about each other and worked though crappy stuff.
Even if it was exhausting.
We also had some really great moments...Michael's family knows the author of the book "Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected--A Memoir" and they bought the book for my family and had the author sign it! It was so sweet. Anna Rose and Michael are besties (even though Anna called him her "poop friend").
And as the official photographer of the 2nd Annual Blueberry 5K, I took a bunch of pictures and will upload them soon. :)
Here's an awesome article by the Good Women Project.
It definitely explains something about me. Not spot on, but pretty darn close.
You can find the article here.
So there’s this boy…even writing those words gets me excited. Can you feel it too? The excitement you feel when you hear someone tell their love story, the story of how they found someone to love and be loved in return. So there’s this boy. And I like him. But before I go any further, I feel like I need to explain some things.
I have never met my real father and my stepfather is anything but fatherly. Safe to say, I’ve got some residual “daddy issues”. I’m familiar with defense mechanisms, finding ways to compartmentalize and ignore the heavy baggage I carry, from myself and others. When it comes to my heart, I keep it on lockdown, safely tucked away in a box somewhere so that I can control who and how much a person can access it. It’s a continuous battle to keep the doorways to accountability open in my relationships, willing myself to be brutally honest about the current state of my heart. In the last year or so, I’ve welcomed the fight more and more, finding immeasurable amounts of encouragement and support from the people the Lord has placed in my life.
But boys? Boys are another creature entirely. You see, I have never dated. Never had a boy call me up and ask me to that much desired dinner and movie. Never had a boy tell me I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. Never had a boy hold my hand on the way home and kiss me goodnight. So I don’t have the scars some girls carry from a really horrible breakup or relationship gone wrong. I have scars of an entirely different kind.
This is how my story usually plays out: Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Girl isn’t sure how boy feels. Girl wonders and hopes and thinks and then wonders a little more all while experiencing a range of emotions from giddiness to insecurity to jealousy to desire, all jumbling together until one bleeds into the next and she doesn’t know what she feels. Girl eventually realizes she’s not enough to catch his attention and gives up. And repeat.
But today I realized the lie in that story.
Why the hell not? Why aren’t I enough?
I have let myself believe that I’m not worth his love, not worth his respect. And not only have I let myself believe that lie, I’ve come to expect it. Instead of putting myself out there and flirting and getting to know a guy, I run away. I run away because then I remain in control of the situation. I control whether or not I get hurt.
I fill my head with lies that eat away at my self-esteem, my confidence, the very things that make me me. Have you ever told yourself that you’re not pretty enough? That you’re not funny enough? Have you ever told yourself that he would never choose you when he could have so many others?
Because if you have, you need to stop. Stop right now.
You are pretty enough, funny enough, special enough. You are enough.
Psalm 139:14 says, “I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
The Lord, our Most High God, says you are are fearfully and wonderfully made. All of you. Every inch.
Who am I to say what He has made isn’t good enough?
I’ve burrowed myself deeper and deeper into a pit of doubt and insecurity, refusing to see me how God sees me. Refusing to see that I am worthy. And I am loved. I am respected and desired in every way I could possibly want or imagine by our glorious and perfect God. And that is so much more than what any guy can give me.
So I’m done with the comparisons and the expectations and the lies.I’m done with the running away. I don’t know what will happen with this boy, whether it’ll turn into something or just be one of those crushes, but I don’t really think that’s the point.
I'm completely embarrassed to say that I've tried to fast before and have failed. I know you aren't suppose to go bragging about fasting, but if I don't tell someone, I'll talk myself out of it. Easily. I'll find an excuse or convince myself it wasn't God's idea, it was a misunderstanding...yeah.
This article made me feel better (although I'm starting with 1 day...not 40).
Another helpful key is to fast when you're completely out of food. I've put off shopping for a while out of laziness but it is now a blessing. Nothing to tempt me. Even if I talked myself out of this, I would have to drive somewhere to eat anything (therefore giving me an opportunity to talk myself out of talking myself out).
I have lots to pray about today. It's been a hard month.
2. I've been having a fairly stressful emotional/spiritual "journey" recently :/
3. This cheered me up quite a bit. Thanks Natalie! http://drunkronswanson.com/
4. Sometimes I wish I was 5 and could have a sippy cup of pink milk to make me feel better...
5. I uploaded a bunch of my art/craft projects to my Pinterest account. (keep in mind that some are from myhighschool days) http://pinterest.com/kristenmh/my-creations/
6. My favorite TV shows have been quite excellent recently.
-I've saved $6 by convincing myself to cook rather than go to Chipotle (even though I was craving it and had to drive right by). &I'm currently making pasta (not a very nutritious meal but better than I've been doing).
-I've washed the dishes every day before going to bed.